You would think by now I would stop waiting, hoping even, for answers to come. Deep in my heart I know they won’t come at all on this side of heaven.
To be honest most of the questions I have had throughout this time, I am glad God did not answer them immediately or reveal to me the path I was about to walk on. Its been three months now since we found out about our sweet baby, that he would not be here for long, and there are things I would not have been able to handle knowing.
I was terrified of what it would be like to carry Gideon, have my belly grow, feel him kick, and get the public pregnancy comments. I told God I couldn’t do it, no way I could…but that’s what He called me to do.
So then I told him “FINE! I’ll do it” (yes, at first it sounded just like that)…but only if you bring Gideon into this world early. Like really early, like 28 weeks. Only then God! Here I sit, 31 weeks pregnant.
Every single doctors visit I prayed for specific things to happen, for God’s merciful hand to be shown in just exactly the way that I wanted it to. Not one happened the way I had wished.
It might sound like I am angry with God. Like I cannot believe He has allowed this to happen. Or it might even sound that though I have been following His plan, it has been against my will. Strangely, it is just the opposite. I am so thankful that it has gone the way it has, for even in my most sorrowful moments God has grown in me an intense desire for His plan not mine.
I even think it is okay that I keep making feeble attempts at plans and answers because my journey for them has done nothing but lead me right back into God’s lap. Kneeling, crying, at the foot of the cross of a God who sacrificed His son so that I could be with my son forever someday. Wanting these answers, these dates, these plans, these explanations has done nothing but prove to me over and over that I literally have no where else to turn. I have found nothing tangible in my days to cling to for hope. Nothing. I have found nothing comforting in this world, in this life, in these days of praying for my baby son to be healed other than knowing that God’s promises are trustworthy and that He promises not to leave me or forsake me.
So here I sit, another disappointing doctors visit has come and gone. I am staring in the eyes of a planned c-section probably all the way far away in the beginning of April (two things I have never wanted) and yet…there is peace.
Still again in awe of the life Gideon has given to this mommy. Though I cry for him and still can find no happiness when people “congratulate” me for being pregnant, Gideon’s impact on me is soul level. My biggest prayer is that his impact on you is soul level too. That you see me, only for what I truly am, a sorrowful and weak mommy whose only strength comes from above. That you look at Gideon and experience with me the impact that a young unborn baby can have, and see beyond a shadow of a doubt, the presence of a real and true God.
In the book of Judges, where the story of Gideon is found, it says in chapter 6 verse 24, “Gideon built an altar to the Lord there and called it The Lord Is Peace.” My Gideon has done the same thing for me, he surely has built an altar in my life called the Lord is Peace. An altar far better than any answer I could get.